Ryan Calder Band » Jon Calder

Forget Chuck Norris… Jon Calder is the man for the job

Ryan — Tue, 15 Nov 2011 07:05:42 +0000

They say that Chuck Norris grew a beard at the age of 18. Seconds.

Now, I’m not here to diss Chuck (we all know what kind of suicidal mission that would be)… but I just can’t help wondering whether Mr Norris ever considered world domination?

“Stupid question,” you’ll tell me. “World domination considered Chuck Norris.”

But Chuck is kinda old news now, isn’t he? I mean, the world needs a new hero. Chuck’s proven ability shows that there’s zero chance of failure, no suspense, no room for error. It’s all predictable and the hero is – essentially – old and boring.

The RCB is, like most other musicians, out for world domination (of course). And while we could use a skill set like Chuck’s, we figure our story will turn out pretty boring in the end if we employed him.

Besides, that’s the other problem: emplyment. The RCB can hardly employ themselves, let alone Chuck Norris.

But Jon Calder… now THAT’S a different story.

Basically, Jon has no choice. He’s forced into the RCB. And in the absence of Chuck, we needed a more-than-ample, suitably-fresh substitute.

I hope you are appreciating this. Take this website, for example. We like it. And it didn’t happen with Chuck’s help… if you catch my drift. (If not, refer to the paragraph above.)

Another example: if you put sheet music in front of the rest of us, we’d feel flattered and admire the patterns. But we’d go about our business like REAL modern musicians. I mean, who needs sheet music in the modern era? Pffft.

Jon, on the other hand, would not only play whatever was on the score… he’d also run data tests and algorithms to analyze whether it had the making of hit song structure or not. Okay, that’s a bit extreme… he lets uPlaya do that.

But still… in an age of modern rock stars, where all a real band needs is a decent measure of self assurance and – at the MOST – four chords, we’ve got an analytical dot reader. Now, this might be cool in some circles, but you try walking into any popular night club to gig with a sheet-music-reader-keyboardist.

We’re thinking of disguising him with tatoos. Anyway, let’s compare beards…

Every genuine modern musician needs at least one beard going on in a five-piece band. Now, if you’re gonna make us choose between Chuck and Jon based on beards alone, well… there’s no contest.

Look at that picture above. There’s plenty of beard going on there. Jon Calder didn’t need the beard. The beard needed Jon Calder. And in fact, Jon Calder gave some of his beard to Chuck Norris.

So what if Chuck Norris won American Idol using sign language? So what if Chuck Norris died 20 years ago and Death hasn’t built up the courage to tell him yet? Given all of the above, we think it’s a no-brainer. When it comes to RCB, forget Chuck Norris… Jon Calder is the man for the job.

Cape Town shows

Ryan — Thu, 28 Jul 2011 09:57:49 +0000

Last year’s Cape tour was an incredible experience for me personally. We performed in a packed-out 25m² café of wine drinkers. We opened for Plush at the Assembly to hundreds of young boozers. We performed a supper-theatre show for an audience where the average age was 65. And we set up on a verandah in Paarl and performed for a group of orphaned children. Six nights out of seven, and Rudi made it through alive.

That seems a lifetime ago.

For those of you who aren’t as up-to-speed with the RCB, you should know we’re breeding like bunnies here at the moment. The Calders and Hemmeros have produced three new roadies in the past 3 years, and Berto and I are sleep-deprived, cash-strapped daddys.

Jon has gone AWOL to dodge the pursuit of many wild women and has buried himself in a top-secret location to try to finish his Masters thesis.

Rudi, in the meantime, has been delving into the meaning of life on a daily basis while trying to stay warm on the nothern slopes of Maritzburg (where the temperature is -112).

Putting on some acoustic shows in the Mother City.

The good news is some of the RCB will be in Cape Town in August, with a variety of different shows. I’ll be doing some intimate solo and duo shows around town between 9 and 16 August.

I’ll be performing a number of shows with Kenn Gibson, a friend of the RCB who we met last year and have got to know since. I’m looking forward to hustling around Cape Town with him and my other trooper, Matt Allison. You can check out the gigs here: www.ryancalder.co.za/gigs

Hope to see you at the shows!

Royal Rock 2010

Ryan — Mon, 07 Jun 2010 11:50:42 +0000

So there we were. Five against 5000. A freezing cold Friday night in Maritzburg. Thanks to BigBeat, we were given the opportunity to perform at the Royal Rock concert – part of the annual Royal Show. On the line up was the Ryan Calder Band, Watershed, City Bowl Mizers and Wonderboom.

RCB rocking the Royal Show

It was quite a different performance for us. From time to time it happens, but screaming teenage girls in the front row is seldom a Maritzburg feature most days of the year. I had wondered beforehand how quickly news would travel, but we never would have anticipated the response to Jon’s sex appeal.

It was only a week ago that Berto announced at our Hexagon shows that Jon is the only single member of the RCB. And six days later, there they were in their droves: thousands of dizzy teenage admirers, screaming their brains out in love-struck wonder at our 6 foot 4 keyboardist.

I must tell you… some nutter, wearing a gigantic 4-foot, 30kg hat, waltzed up to the front row, obstructing the view of those behind him. So an irate student behind the hat took it upon himself to try and dislodge it from the nutter’s head by chucking his shoe at the sculpture. But he must have had a few pints because he missed by miles and sent the shoe hurtling in the direction of the aforementioned keyboardist.

Jonz9r, being the dynamic stage personality that he is, nimbly ducked the flying shoe (George Bush would have been proud) mid-way through a riff and continued unabashed to rock the bras off the adoring minions.

It’s quite a view from a stage that size as well. Inamongst the screaming teenage girls were a few standout faces like our friends Galen Schultz and Kelly Macbean, Michelle Atagana, Linda, Annie, Debbie, Anthea, Jenette (who took the photo above), as well as hooligan groupies Neil du Plessis and Richard Bleeker. Man, those guys are classic – screaming “I love you Ryan!” in pitch-perfect, maniacal falsetto. Inamongst the noise it sounded just like my mom, which was comforting.

Our music was well received by at least six people, who bought new albums. In fact, one of them – Tim from Kokstad – arrived late and caught the last song, which he enjoyed so much that he decided it was good enough to warrant the purchase of On The Edge. Tim, you’re awesome.

By the way, we’re going to be on radio soon. Watch out groupies! News coming soon.

p.s. A VERY BIG thanks to all of you who continue to support us. We’ve been taking attendance registers behind the scenes and you’ll be rewarded with Jelly Babies. Chat to Rudi, he’ll distribute them.

The bassist and pianist

admin — Thu, 20 May 2010 06:43:27 +0000

If you don’t know how it works, it’s simple: look at the pic, think of something funny, post it in the comment box below.

...

Ryan Calder Band Album Production #5

admin — Tue, 26 Jan 2010 10:29:19 +0000

Recording more bits and pieces… bass, keyboard and other lesser known evils…

Ryan Calder Band Album Production #4

admin — Mon, 18 Jan 2010 10:29:17 +0000

Recording more bits and pieces… piano, keyboard, guitars, vocals…

Ryan Calder Band Album Production #3

admin — Fri, 15 Jan 2010 10:29:13 +0000

Ryan and Rudi still sloggin away, recording drums.

Ryan Calder Band Album Production #1

admin — Tue, 15 Sep 2009 10:05:55 +0000

The Ryan Calder Band at work on recording the second album, On The Edge.